Alexithymia Sexual Indifference
I am curious if there is anyone else in this community that has a relatively similar issue.
Has anyone experienced anything similar to ED, but they know that its really not a physical problem? It's most certainly a mental issue that occurs when I have absolutely no more interest in having sex. I can be mid-act and start to ask myself why I am here/doing this and then lose all interest. There is no emotional tie to sex, even though I "know" there should be - and when this occurs I do not even have a fundamental interest in sex.
I feel absolutely no desire for a sexual relationship, or really any relationship if I am honest with myself. I will flirt with girls, but that's merely for the amusement that provides at that instant, and is not directed towards any goal. I talk about wanting to get with girls or have a girlfriend, however I am fully aware that I do this as a way to fit in and remain part of the conversation. I sometimes hope that one day a girl will just be awesome and be able to make me feel...something, but from what I've experienced so far I have no real desire to be with anyone sexually or romantically. I have not had trouble with reaching orgasm though, although I only do it for the dopamine release and to prevent random inconvenient erections during the day and get nothing more from sex than from masturbation.
Coming in late to this, but I thought it was an interesting topic. I totally relate to losing interest almost immediately when having sex, and then I'm just left to try to at least make the other person, erm, get off. I remember enjoying sex and experimenting a lot when I was in high school and early college, but I feel like my libido has since disappeared.
I'm not convinced that there necessarily has to be a link between sex and emotions. I think you can enjoy having sex with someone and not feel a crazy emotional connection with them. But I think for the sex to actually be "good" there needs to be some sort of emotional exchange happening, which can be difficult when emotions aren't really our thing...
I also talk about wanting some sort of romantic or sexual involvement with a guy, and I put myself out there when I'm feeling good about it. But I never have an actual "goal" or have met a particularly awesome person who might actual be able to tolerate my personality awfulness and lack of emotionality. Anything somewhat sexual has just become mechanical and obligatory, and I too find myself just needing the dopamine release from masturbation. Either that or I just order a pizza and call it a day.
There is such a thing as asexuality or gray-asexuality. Not everybody has much of a natural drive for sex. You can be romantically attracted to people (wanting to date, share their life, etc) while not desiring to have sex with them (the reverse also exists). I'm personally not much interested in sex --or rather, my body literally doesn't give a fuck.
It's hard to turn me on, I need to have a strong emotional bound with my partner (that's "demisexuality"), and even then, my will to have sex tend to be more "yeah, it would probably be good..." than "let's do it, I so want it." Of course this has led me to get raped out of dubious consent before I became conscious of the issue. Now I have a much better partner, who knows I'm alexithymic, but I think that we do have this issue that they're also asexual. Which means neither of us have much of a drive, but still have an emotional desire for kinky sex. It can be nice when we manage to get there, but it's often a lot of hassle. It's so frustrating that I more and more feel like quitting sex, but the idea makes me feel bad about myself, because I know it's my frustration speaking, not me.
I know that there is no way I should have sex for the sake of it, of course. The social part of me wishes I could bond better with my partner through this activity. The workaholic part of me finds sex to be a flat loss of time. And alexithymia just makes it all very confusing. I feel disabled, and it hurts to constantly run into glass walls. I'm becoming conscious of all I can't see --alexithymia really is blindness-- and it's a little scary. I probably need more time to come to terms with this, mourn what I thought I had, and start being more constructive. See what I can build with all that, because I still want to build something.
As a teenager I had sex with other teenagers, simply in order so that I could try the various activities that I'd read and heard about but which you need a partner in order to perform. My conclusion, after trying everything I had any interest in experiencing, was that an orgasm is an orgasm, whether it is achieved alone or with a partner. As, for some reason that totally escapes me, many people require an emotional attraction in order for them to consider engaging in sex I found it far easier to simply masturbate alone when I desired an orgasm. I don't do it five or six items a day as I did when I was in my middle teens but I do still do it pretty frequently and it suffices as a way to obtain physical sexual release, which is all that I require.
"But I think for the sex to actually be "good" there needs to be some sort of emotional exchange happening, which can be difficult when emotions aren't really our thing..."
I don't need a real emotional exchange for the sex to be actually "good". I don't know what you were thinking of there but I don't need that, I have other ways to seriously get into it.
Thinking about it more, you could say the physical desire is not all cold logic, but there's that dopamine rush or whatever that's been mentioned in this thread, and for me real sex definitely gives more of that than masturbation.
I can get turned on and all that blah blah blah. But when it actually comes to the acts of oral or vaginal that's all I think of it just a type of sex that supposedly can give pleasure. My partner understands when I say that I don't think sex is practical and that it's just movement of the parts of the body to reach a goal that inmost is only reached by one side of the act. The receiving (him) oral and giving (him) vaginal. I don't quite understand why the actual act just annoys me or frustrates me I think that's the right words. Beforehand when it's just words or kissing or nibbling and teasing I get some reaction out of my body but once we actually "dive in" it just doesn't do it anymore. If anyone can help with explaining why this happens with alexithymia it would be a big help to get him to understand more and not feel bad for not giving back.