We've been together less than 5 years. I knew she was different from the start. Could not describe emotions. Had no fantasies. Could not tell me what she liked about me. I tried to accept her for exactly who she is. I also tried to "work around" some of her deficiencies. Sometimes, the Alexi stuff I had no name for was at the center of some horrible disasters in our relationship.
She took the test on this site yesterday and scored 149.
Ironically, I dragged her into the polyamory community, where people talk about their feelings constantly. She spent about 6 months absolutely silent at the table at meetups of the group I facilitated. Eventually, I learned things about my relationship with her when she would address other people and lend support to strangers.
Eventually, she became a facilitator of the polyamory group, leading discussions and workshops. And she also became facilitator or leader in several kink-oriented groups where people talk about their feelings. And she's in the process of becoming a life coach.
I saw her ability to show empathy and be supportive to people we barely knew grow significantly. At home, I could feel dehumanized that she couldn't do the same for me. I seemed to make absolutely no sense to her.
Now, I spend hours writing emails to her, deleting, revising, deleting, revising to keep them short. I can't match her brevity. She says, "I mean what I say, and exactly that." but seems unaware that her writing often caries almost no meaning at all.
I try to accept that nothing I feel matters to her and only muddies communication. I try to remember that she can't tolerate anything that might appear blaming.
I don't know if this is an Alexi thing, but she seems to have no interest in "why" anything.
This summer... I found myself utterly emotionally destroyed by her actions, disregard, and by her ignoring my requests and my warnings. She felt I was being too controlling. I couldn't understand how she was so disconnected from reality or understanding what was going on. We were both miserable. She felt overwhelmed by my communication because... I knew she loved me, so clearly she would stop doing the things that hurt me if I explained them. And if she tuned me out, I tried to find another approach. I became a fountain of anxiety and anguish.
She moved out.
Rebuilding our trust and connections now, I find myself struggling all the time to keep communication effective. The ideas in my head don't fit in hers. Whatever is in her head is a mystery to one or both of us most of the time.
I don't know what to do.