Confused partner needs an Alexi Communication Handbook


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AuthorMessageTime
EmotionalLOLercoaster
Confused partner needs an Alexi Communication Handbook
2017-10-09
We've been together less than 5 years. I knew she was different from the start. Could not describe emotions. Had no fantasies. Could not tell me what she liked about me. I tried to accept her for exactly who she is. I also tried to "work around" some of her deficiencies. Sometimes, the Alexi stuff I had no name for was at the center of some horrible disasters in our relationship.

She took the test on this site yesterday and scored 149.

Ironically, I dragged her into the polyamory community, where people talk about their feelings constantly. She spent about 6 months absolutely silent at the table at meetups of the group I facilitated. Eventually, I learned things about my relationship with her when she would address other people and lend support to strangers.

Eventually, she became a facilitator of the polyamory group, leading discussions and workshops. And she also became facilitator or leader in several kink-oriented groups where people talk about their feelings. And she's in the process of becoming a life coach.

I saw her ability to show empathy and be supportive to people we barely knew grow significantly. At home, I could feel dehumanized that she couldn't do the same for me. I seemed to make absolutely no sense to her.


Now, I spend hours writing emails to her, deleting, revising, deleting, revising to keep them short. I can't match her brevity. She says, "I mean what I say, and exactly that." but seems unaware that her writing often caries almost no meaning at all.

I try to accept that nothing I feel matters to her and only muddies communication. I try to remember that she can't tolerate anything that might appear blaming.

I don't know if this is an Alexi thing, but she seems to have no interest in "why" anything.

This summer... I found myself utterly emotionally destroyed by her actions, disregard, and by her ignoring my requests and my warnings. She felt I was being too controlling. I couldn't understand how she was so disconnected from reality or understanding what was going on. We were both miserable. She felt overwhelmed by my communication because... I knew she loved me, so clearly she would stop doing the things that hurt me if I explained them. And if she tuned me out, I tried to find another approach. I became a fountain of anxiety and anguish.

She moved out.

Rebuilding our trust and connections now, I find myself struggling all the time to keep communication effective. The ideas in my head don't fit in hers. Whatever is in her head is a mystery to one or both of us most of the time.

I don't know what to do.
KeiganN
2017-10-25
05:58
Research Casandra Syndrome regarding emotional reciprocity, ther you’ll probably find your answers toward closure.


ALEXITHYMIA .us .org .com .info Terms/Impressum [19:31:04]:UID:
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Alexithymia - emotional blindness - is a personal trait which affects roughly 10% of the population.

Alexithymia describes the difficulty of people to perceive and describe emotions of others and themselves. Most persons concerned are not aware about this deficit and usually they are just recognizing it in contact with others, especially close friends, within their family or their partner.

These pages should deliver additional information about Alexithymia and offer information for affected persons, relatives and generally interested people.