I'm wondering for a while now that what I experience is alexithymia.
In normal real life situations I rarely experience emotions. In conversations I often have to simulate emotions in order to don't look like apathic as hell. I never look really forward to things. Yesterday I visited the casino with some friends and when I won quite some money I didn't feel a thing. I can't miss people, I don't feel an emotional connection or attachment. Most of the time I'm empty and at times I can get irritated.
My 'problem' is that I am confused because that while I lack emotions in general, I can have strong reactions at certain situations. When I read a beautiful story, hear music or see a movie/television series I can react quite strongly. When I watch a sad story like Million Dollar Baby I can cry for minutes and feel a sensation in my chest I would identify as sadness. When I look at The Voice and I really like a performance my voice cracks, I get tears in my eyes and I can get goosebumps and feel my spine. When listening to songs I can emotions I never or very rarely experience otherwise, emotions like optimism, sadness, excited, powerful, motivated etc.
I've never really had a drive or ambitions. I don't really have passions or things that motivate me. I would identify me living my life most of the time feeling empty. But when I was in a relationship I experienced infatuation very strongly, the idea of she being with someone other than my could evoke strong feelings. We're split up now and while I don't feel I miss her I think about her a lot and when certain things remind me of her and I very consciously think about it I and I start to cry but still feel empty. I can never really cry very intense, it's alwqys crying while feeling empyy.
Does any of this makes sense? Are people experiencing the same?
Alexithymia - emotional blindness - is a personal trait which affects roughly 10% of the population.
Alexithymia describes the difficulty of people to perceive and describe emotions of others and themselves. Most persons concerned are not aware about this deficit and usually they are just recognizing it in contact with others, especially close friends, within their family or their partner.
These pages should deliver additional information about Alexithymia and offer information for affected persons, relatives and generally interested people.