Is 'this' because of Alex?


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AuthorMessageTime
Shintoga
Is 'this' because of Alex?
2018-01-01
I've only known about Alexithymia for a short time, but it seems to explain a lot about my relationships, or most of them at least. I score pretty highly on the test, and if it helps I had a professional diagnosis of Asperger's when I was 17, though didn't actually know until over 10 years later. I feel like I might have an attachment disorder, but haven't discussed it with anyone yet.

The one thing I really want to know more about is other people's experiences of having crushes, as until recently I'd never come across anyone who feels like I do - that is, I have sudden losses of interest in the other person but it causes me to feel anxious and/or depressed because there's no logical reason or external cause for the crush to disappear, and in the meantime I have no idea what I'm feeling aside from highly confused and empty in a way. I just go through the motions of life until I get some feeling back - that can take hours or days, but feels like forever.
My feelings for the other person usually return, but weaker and it starts a cycle of liking the other person then not knowing how I feel any more - at it's most extreme it's almost like I both like and have no interest in them simultaneously.

I've noticed if the other person seems unavailable somehow, the interest is more sustainable; it ebbs and flows to a much lesser degree; I don't usually have any real urge to act on it in these cases, nor truly desire to have my feelings reciprocated. I'm happy just to let the feelings/romantic fantasies run their course.

If I'm in a relationship, I get very anxious and usually end up feeling suffocated, mentally/physically ill/emotionally shut down. I don't really feel like I know what I, or the other person wants - I even remember wondering to myself how other couples agreed when to meet up and stuff.
I couldn't feel the 'love' my most recent ex was showing me while we were together. I knew I should have felt something, as sometimes I did feel what I believed was "love" or at least genuine pleasure/excitement to be with him, but those moments were brief (seconds, hour or two at most), few, and far apart. The rest of the time I wondered where my feelings had gone and what the hell I was going to do. I felt like I was acting, and hoped I could "fake it until I made it", but ultimately nothing I tried worked. I ended it after 3 months, but had wanted to leave before that - stupidly, for a few reasons, I decided to keep on trying and see if I could get past the ickyness.
Spoiler alert: it got even worse.

Sod's Law, I found him kind of attractive again once I'd let him go and the "pressure" was off (he was actually quite laid back and tried to let me call a lot of the shots, but I just didn't know what I wanted!), but that feeling subsided each time I left the group where we'd met, and when I tried hanging out with him just as a friend I was once again trying to stop myself mentally blocking him out completely, like I had been towards the end of our relationship. I knew this wasn't going to end well, so I gradually backed out of his life - I felt a bit guilty but there was no way I could sustain a connection of any kind with him. Even seeing a friendly message from him on FB made me recoil in terror (no idea why, though - there was no abuse or anything).

I wondered if anyone else has had similar experiences or other opinions on what could be behind the whole 'liking someone one minute then not the next' thing.
scarredlightning
2018-01-02
04:37
Uh, I dated a guy maybe... last year. I'm a year younger than u btw. And at first I liked him, but as soon as i found something to dislike I began to reject him mentally more and more, and the more he tried to connect with me, the more I would dislike him until it became an almost physical repulsion. Maybe this sounds similar to u? If he messages me online, I feel sick. after these incidents he seemed to develop some form of obsessive disorder and became like a stalker so I blocked him on every thing though.
scarredlightning
2018-01-02
04:38
I hope that helped. Sorry if it doesn't.
Shintoga
2018-01-02
12:13
I appreciate the answer, though that doesn't really sound like my own experience ^_^" I understand some of it, but for me it's more "I had this crush, why isn't it there now?"
I convince myself I'm somehow supposed to keep feeling it for X amount of time (as that's how it appears to work for nearly everyone else, especially if they get to date the person - it usually just turns into new relationship energy or something) - it's just incredibly weird and unsettling to me how the feelings can just suddenly disappear/reappear by themselves, and that there's this pattern of it happening that goes back to at least when I was 15.
I've also had a problem not knowing how I'm going to feel the next time I see whoever I'm going out with - any identifiable feelings I've developed during a date/hang out session dissipate to a large extent or to almost nothing when we've parted, then I'm back to not knowing how I really feel about them.
That's very common/normal for me. I should probably break up with them at that point, but logically it seems ridiculous - most people wouldn't consider a few days or weeks long enough to really know. It's like I don't know what it is to be absolutely certain about someone? There's some kind of feeling drawing me in, but also a subtle sense of disconnection that sort of pushes me out again.
I've also ended first dates with a hug; it felt that's what I ought to do otherwise it looks weird and I wouldn't be able to explain myself (betraying the 'meh' inside), rather than being truly compelled to.

I have had other relationships/friendships end where I wanted to get the other person back, too. There's no real rhyme or reason, unfortunately.

With my ex I really wanted to like him back, the way he liked me, but I found myself wanting to keep my distance. I hesitated coming out of toilets when we were out together, felt like I was being smothered even though I really wasn't.
scarredlightning
2018-01-02
22:27
idk, i hear some people mistake admiration? Also the chemicals for the thing people call they "honeymoon stage" (which silly enough, is an actual thing due to what occurs in your body) is a temporary thing caused by chemicals in your body, but can recur towards a person. I get thats science based, and people like to think that they choose who they like or not etc, but to some extent that is not the case. Anyway. Short relationships... a short amount of time can be enough to tell if it's "right" or wrong.
Shintoga
2018-01-03
00:22
I can tell the difference between admiration and crushing on someone, and this doesn't feel like admiration. If I just admire someone, I don't struggle getting them out of my head - I'm not confused about how I feel towards them. It's just a nice feeling, not something that would make me to ask them out, and its not something that really gets hold of me and is emotionally exhausting. I don't have any control or choice over who I like, either.
If I could choose, it would be to not like anyone ever again (various reasons, but mostly because I hate the stupid roller coaster of confusion and anxiety/depression).
scarredlightning
2018-01-03
07:22
sorry, for just listing possibilities. Maybe your subconscious rejection of the idea causes the constant roller coaster?? :-I
I honestly am running out of ideas, maybe aliens are interfering with your brain?? :D
Shintoga
2018-01-03
15:52
I didn't mean to come across as being dismissive or anything, so sorry if I did! It's difficult to judge tone in text, unfortunately. It was still a helpful suggestion as it didn't feel right, so that's something I think I can rule out :)
I do believe it exists on a continuum or spectrum, though, so it could be part of the problem if not the root cause.
It's difficult to pin down. Could also be I'm just trying to force something that I shouldn't have agreed to at all, but it doesn't explain the sudden mood crashes where most other people might be OK to carry on, or feel they definitely could walk away :/
I wish it was aliens now XD
scarredlightning
2018-01-04
04:50
You didn't come across as dismissive. Text is very difficult. XD, that's why there are emojis! O_o



Well, goodluck. If you need to contact me privately, idk why though? I have an art account on insta @scarredlightning.create



:D:D:D:D:D:D
p.s, I will go hunt down some aliens, or send them a radio message to brainwash you, if that helps.


ALEXITHYMIA .us .org .com .info Terms/Impressum [22:33:36]:UID:
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Alexithymia - emotional blindness - is a personal trait which affects roughly 10% of the population.

Alexithymia describes the difficulty of people to perceive and describe emotions of others and themselves. Most persons concerned are not aware about this deficit and usually they are just recognizing it in contact with others, especially close friends, within their family or their partner.

These pages should deliver additional information about Alexithymia and offer information for affected persons, relatives and generally interested people.