New Discovery in My Relationship
New Discovery in My Relationship
My partner and I have been together for 5 years. I am 44 and she is 10 years younger than me. We have such a great time together, have similar interests, travel etc. We live together and I enjoy her company. The problem we have is with intimacy. She is unable to talk about her feelings with me as it doesn't come naturally to her. When we have issues, I am the only one who really gives in terms of being vulnerable and opening up. I try to talk in "I" statements and try not to blame. She ends up getting very defensive and often blames me for the problem. This goes on and on in circles and then it goes away with no resolution. I often feel in despair because I can't work through it on my own and the problem is still there. As a result, I feel stressed out and emotionally deprived.
Furthermore, she has trouble connecting with people and has no friends to talk to or be with. She acknowledges her struggle but cannot seem to help herself.
I came across the term "alexithymia" when I was searching for emotionally unavailable partners. This makes sense to me and I brought it up with my partner. She somewhat agreed that alexithymia may be a factor. I'm glad that I can find a reason for her closed-off way as I used to think that she was just using me and didn't love me at all. I am now considering ending the relationship. I really don't want to but my fundamental need to be able to share and work through problems with my partner is impossible in this situation. I'm looking for some hope or insight. Thank you.
Research Casandra Syndrome regarding emotional reciprocity.
Then write down your core emotional needs within a relationship.
Then understand if your partner meets any of those needs.
With that you’ll have what you need.
My advice to you is to LEAVE! I have had a 20 year marriage with someone who I have just discovered has this problem. Its been the most frustrating, unrewarding and painfful experience for me and I hope you will find the strength to leave this person before you build a life, a home and a family with them!
You aren't alone, I just discovered this after being with my partner for 11 years, we have two kids....I found it by accident yesterday, after a gigantic fail of celebrating our anniversary and being so hurt. There is also something know as AfDD that partners of these people suffer from, Affective Deprivation Dissorder. I believe I am suffering from this, and just knowing and acknowledging this for myself has been a relief, although he has yet to admit he has a problem but scored 174 on the quiz here....and that's the real issue, getting them to admit it, accept it, and work through the issue. If you love your partner, try. If you don't, then it's time to move on. For myself, I need to try, because of our children. And I need to work through my own issues that stem from it....
Alexithymia - emotional blindness - is a personal trait which affects roughly 10% of the population.
Alexithymia describes the difficulty of people to perceive and describe emotions of others and themselves. Most persons concerned are not aware about this deficit and usually they are just recognizing it in contact with others, especially close friends, within their family or their partner.
These pages should deliver additional information about Alexithymia and offer information for affected persons, relatives and generally interested people.